Happy 10th, Pokeau!

…Admittedly, I’m not quite sure where to begin with this?
I’d wanted to plan something grand and extravagant and give some kind of… epic speech, or something.

But…
Life has just been really, really tough right now. This entire year has just been hot garbage, in fact. It’s been the first time I’ve had a year-long episode since 2017, and as the cold front on winter moves in, its only gotten exponentially more severe. To the point where… I wasn’t even sure if I’d be around to make this anniversary post, for… one reason or another.

Sort of like how it was in the beginning, too.

THE PAST

Pokeau was, in the start, a method of coping. I’d been diagnosed with depression since 3rd grade, and generally was at odds with unstable brain chemistry for as long as I can remember. For one reason or another… upon playing the Delta Episode 10 years ago, I latched on hard.
And it sort of got out of hand from there.

The fragments of early Pokeau are lost to time and retcons, as its evolved and changed constantly during its time with me. The core though, will always remain the same;

• It is a world for me, and me alone
• It is a world where friendship, love, and family can conquer all

It’s cheesy, but… it’s true?
Even if I’ve lost sight of them at times, especially the first bit.

I’ve found that even though my acceptance of the fact waxes and wanes, Pokeau was and is always meant to be my own little heaven. Trying to cater it or present it in ways that will get other’s attention and intrigue has only ever led to bad things happening.
…That isn’t to say that sharing it at all is a bad thing. It certainly isn’t – the amount of shame I associated with Pokeau before I shared it at all, only referring to it as ‘my super embarrassing pokemon au’ in passing, was unsustainable and unhealthy. Frankly, it’s probably because I broke out of my shell and used Pokeau as a means to embrace my unapologetic enthusiasm and creative ideals that it’s survived this long, as opposed to headworlds prior that I’d be too skittish to share – until they died a quiet death.

I’ve met so many wonderful people, and gotten closer with others over it all. Even if I was afraid at first… I’m glad that it didn’t stop me from embracing Pokeau as a whole. Because I’ve found passion is contagious – the enthusiasm of others and their muses rubs off on you, and in turn, your own passion towards your muse rubs off on others.

THE PRESENT

As mentioned, things are… tough right now.
Not just for my personal state of mental health, but just like… in general. With everyone.

And, historically, when my mental health is at its worst… Pokeau becomes more important than ever.
Just like my own emotions, the world itself becomes unstable – I get frustrated and angry with it. I feel like it’s not ‘good enough’, like everyone else is doing something with more meaning nowadays… so why am I still neck-deep in my childish fantasy?

It’s a smaller symptom of a bigger issue, but…
I’m often not very good and perceiving my own mental health and the severity of how bad things get, not until it’s too late. And though lashing out at Pokeau isn’t great by any means… I notice my frustration with it much sooner than anything else. And because of that, I’m able to realize things are bad, that I’m being boiled alive, before the heat is turned up more.

That, and it’s a place to escape to when I feel I’m out of other options. Which might not be the best option, per say, but it’s certainly better than the alternatives. It’s a place where I do have control, even if I feel like everything else has spiralled into a chaotic tailspin beyond saving.

THE FUTURE…?

Right now… I’m not sure what’s going to happen. I don’t know what I want to do, or how I want to do it – because quite frankly, I’m too preoccupied simply trying to keep my head above water.
I do know I don’t want Classic Pokeau to be on hiatus forever, but… it’s complicated. The rise of Ultra Arc in the past two years has brought a lot of joy and new storytelling paths, but it’s also brought a lot of conflicting feelings and bitterness.

I think I just… need to keep in mind that there’s no ‘wrong’ way for Pokeau to exist. Because ultimately, it’s my world above all else.

Who knows. I’ll deal with it in time.
I’ll just keep going where the characters drive it, I suppose? They’re all like their own breathing individuals to me, so they’re driving their own narrative as much as I am.

Even if its changed so dramatically since its inception…
Even if I’ve gained and lost so many different people along the way…
To anyone who’s ever been interested in my works, and to everyone who’s left me behind…

Thank you!
I hope this essay makes even a little bit of sense, and that it gets my feelings across – even if it isn’t some big ultimate project to celebrate.

…To end on a bit more of a positive note, though…

Here’s a small collection of some of my all time favorite visual works from the past 10 years. Of course, I couldn’t put everything here, because then the page would be a mile long (as if it isn’t already), but… it’s a sampler!