cw: mentions of suicide and depression
i sort of… debated if i wanted to make this a full-on essay or just a diary entry. quite frankly i don’t want to format it competently either way. this is sort of a glorified vent.
2024 hurt.
2024 was supposed to be the big ten for pokeau, a world i’d poured my heart and soul into, and yet…
i’d lost so much. it’d been the worst depressive episode since i’d become an adult. people became fed up with me and how i wasn’t getting better. others started masking their impatience far less, pretending to care or doing so in a preformative way.
i was making half-assed suicide attempts once a month, at the least.
but the worst casualty was…
it’s hard to fathom. hard to think about. the world that’d been my own for so, so long.
of course, pokeau isn’t… dead. ultra arc is very, very much alive. fragments of classic live on in it. but it feels almost like a piece of me died when i lost the spark.
blame it on the fandom blame it on the franchise itself blame it on the ones who betrayed me blame it on whatever. i didn’t want to admit it for so long. i still don’t want to admit classic is dead.
but…
i don’t think it’s going to come back.
and saying that hurts. it hurts so much.
i didn’t celebrate emmy’s birthday, or lune’s. i only acknowledged pearl’s birthday, the one she shares with my own, for a joke.
i’m not ready to let go. but i don’t know how long i’ll be able to continue being in denial.
and for that time, this place, the archive of it all has been stagnant too. yes i’m busy as all hell, but it’s just… overwhelming. this website was created before ultra arc existed, and many of its parts were formed before then or when it was just a small sidestory.
its frankly made me feel super lost in what i want to do. this… isn’t ‘poke’au anymore, not quite. but at the same time, what am i supposed to do? it’d be foolish to throw out the past decade’s worth of work.
but at the the time… its exhausting. i’m tired of people only seeing me and what i make for what once was. for only recognizing the figments of the past and how it was so much better then. how i’m the pokemon guy, and how i will be forever, right?
i think. with moon’s conclusion was the true death of classic pokeau. laid to rest peacefully, even if i wanted to keep hanging on. even if i wasn’t ready.
i’m not sure if i’ll even gain catharsis from this. writing this feels like ripping off a healed scab i’d been ignoring to the point where it became a gushing wound again.
i miss them.
but i know… they’re not going to come back. they’ve already said their goodbyes, and accepted that it’s time for a new main stage.
so maybe i should accept it too.
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